The answer, well is not answered at all, not yet. I only could get some signs, but I wonder if I’m able to understand them… Are we able to think apart from what our heart ‘thinks’ or ‘feels’?
I knew that something was changing; I promise to myself to stop thinking for a minute; for a single minute I promised that I was not going to think in ‘the worst’; becuase perhaps there was something that I didn’t know; something that it had nothing to do with our relationship and I was just being selfish by thinking that everything had something to do with me; with us. I tried not to think about anything, I tried not to find out what he was thinking, I tried ….
After the guys left my place Chris came to have dinner with me. Everything looked perfect; the table for the two of us, the dinner I made for him and the night was splendid. We started eating and I could feel something between us, for seconds I thought that it was me the one who was just having the wrong view of what reality actually was. So I stopped thinking until he mentioned that he really liked Ellie, he said she was smart; interesting…. and in that moment my heart felt like if a knife were just trying to stick in.
The following days I was alone in my apartment. I went online on facebook when I saw that he was online too, but he didn’t even bother in writting me. I was definetely not going to write to him even my heart said the just the opposite. On friday morning he wrote me, but his words took me back to my old thoughts SOMETHING WAS CHANGING!
His words were exactly ‘Hi, what re u doing?’. I answered him and he answered me back later that day. He didn’t call me ‘babe’ or ‘honey’ but ‘hey’. I changed my decision and I invited him out that night. We went downtown to get some food. Afterwards we were having dinner in the rooftop. His face was like…. ‘I don’t want you anymore’; ‘which one is the way to say something that I know it will hurt her’. I stared at him and I knew he wanted to say something. I waited for him to take his words out of his mouth but he didn’t, so I asked him ‘what happens?’ he said ‘nothing’ but I knew it was the wrong answer.
After a moment of silence….
He: It just that I can’t believe how everything changes
Me: what do you mean? – while my mind: I know what had changed, you just don’t feel the same way for me but you don’t know how to say it because you are just a fucking coward!
He: Two years ago I was with two people I loved, and now I don’t have them anymore. (one was his ex-girlfriend and the other was his best friend)
The conversation went deeper and deeper, but I don’t know why I knew and I still believing that it wasn’t just that. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, I didn’t want to seem a drama-queen. We went down stairs and I was taking some stuff inside my apartment while he was standing in the elevator, I went out to the corridor when door looked itself because there was wind, the keys were inside the apartment so we couldn’t go back inside. I asked for help to one of my neighbors but we couldn’t open the door. Chris’ wallet and phone were inside my apartment, he was tired and pissed. He told me to wait until next morning and go to sleep to his place. Once we were there, I saw walking and talking some sheets, I wondered what for? Until I entered to his room, he pulled out a mattress and told me to sleep there.
At that moment my heart started crying from pain. Why? I mean…. why ? we used to sleep together, he didn’t even kiss me that day. No kisses, no hugs, no sweet words, no sex, no love. What was going on? Why he didnø’t tell me the truth when I asked. I barely sleep that night, in a moment I couldn’t keep my tears anymore so I started crying. He heard and he came closer put one of his hands in my heart and the other in one of my hands. I pretended to have had a nightmare and he went back to sleep.
Right now I’m just paralyzed, this might be INVOLUTION