“The more something upsets you, the more it is meant for you. When it no longer upsets you, it is no longer needed because the lesson is complete.” by Bryant McGill.
It’s been ages since I last wrote something, and it was not because I had forgotten but because I needed to come to a decision. I did not want to go through the same as last year again, so it was time to do something about it.
I felt alone, I felt empty and lost. I did have my “friend” and my “boyfriend” but still, I felt that all good things were coming to an end, I could clearly see how everything was falling apart but I tried to stop it, to force it.
I was only trying to delay the inevitable. I knew I had to start a new chapter, but I dreaded of change, I dreaded losing it all. I couldn’t help but wonder… did I actually have something to lose? or it was just me who did not want to face reality?
I could not change people around me but I could change myself!
So I did it. I stop thinking about people around me and start thinking a bit about me. I mean, what I wanted? what was wrong with me? what was I supposed to change?
It was a cold Tuesday of May, it was like winter. I was alone at my apartment reading articles on the internet when I found an interesting one. It was about a ‘meeting’ in a bar close to my house, where a lot of people met there to talk in other languages, I thought that it was awesome. I really needed to go out for a bit, meet new people, exchange ideas and so on.
None of my friends from Univ. wanted to go with me, so I took the plunge and I went there. I met a lot of interesting people. One thing led me into another, and so I ended up in a group of very open-minded people. People who had travelled, who wanted to travel or who simply was interested in other cultures. It was just what I needed.
After a couple of months, I felt much better. On the one hand, my social life seemed to have reached its peak, lot of things to do, invitations to any kind of events you can imagine. It went from nothing to everything.
On the other hand, I was suffering from love, again. There was a part of me full of pain and sadness. I was tired of being told a lie, I forgave him many times, but what for? If I knew he would do the same all over again. I was disappointed and furious, and hopeless. However, there was still that part of me which made me believe in love, and that’s the reason I did not express how I felt.
Even though many times I ignored those inner feelings which tell you what to do, what is the best and what is not. This time, I was sure it was enough, I needed to make the call.
I tried to find the right moment, and I asked him to come over to talk, and…. I was right. He did not want me anymore, or maybe he never did. I could not understand why he did not tell me anything, he was just going to disappear as he did once, that’s true. I was not going to beg for love, I just didn’t want to have those feelings and waste my time, my everything in someone who is like that, someone who doesn’t deserve, and not even has principles. We’d been together one year and a half. I’d been next to him at anytime he needed me, an explanation was the least he could do.
I’m that kind of person who believes in moral values. That’s the reason I feel even more disappointed every time someone acts in this way. If I’m wrong I will say ‘I’m sorry’ and I won’t mind doing it. When my actions involved someone else I always think if that action will affect in any way to that ‘other’.
We came to this world to learn and so, if I make a mistake I will try to learn from it. To transform the negative into something positive.
So, you might wonder why did I use the phrase at the beginning?
Well, it is simple. As I was saying before, I felt that I needed to change, to start a new chapter. And every time I felt I was going to lose my lover or my friend I tried to stop it because it hurt me. Now, it was not only my inner feelings that told me to let it all go but also fate and time. Those things made me understand that I needed to let it all go. I don’t know if I had taken this decision before, I would have felt the same way I feel now.
After all, I was in relief because I could say what I felt. Without a filter, without keeping a single word, it was not me who was talking but it was my soul. It came so naturally, so pure that after that chatting I could feel so happy when in fact I was ending a relationship with the person who made me happy one year.
The lesson that I came to learn with this person was completed. I learnt about patience, I learnt about honesty, I learnt one more time something about love.
Fortunately, I could have this time a happy ending. Life gave me the chance to meet the person who made me feel the love one more time….. but that is another story!